i had ideas once

i had ideas once
and i hoped they'd come back to me
thought i could
reel them in
on the hook of what i chose to want
and still want

i had ideas that i could
go anywhere and be anyone
that i could pay for my life with admiration
for what it means to be alive
and then suddenly
as soon as i wished it so
be rid of every earthly obligation
to anyone
or any thing

i thought of myself
purely in those moments

of me only

a subject in photographs
when they were taken
and it all seems to me now
a joke
a farce

that in the moment of being photographed

when the opportunity for remembering 

the former self is created
one has no conception of who will be 

looking back
and how everything will never be
how everything used to be
 

how terribly sad that is

when all you want to do

is live however living materializes for you

without paying for it

with your life