water

how to reach it when
beyond is the closest you come
and there was the slightest inkling
a lighter shadow than the last
an indicator of an indication
a drop of blood on the sun

i remember o how i remember
everything ever lived
and how it used to feel to know
tomorrow wouldn't be like
this day because tomorrow
would be a different color
there had not been two of the same
colors in a row
in all of time

and beneath the smoke of the foundry
of my heart
and within the latticework of the scaffolds
of my spine
someone is drinking heavily
but it isn't me anymore
a different blood type

or the color of the moon
ruining itself behind a mountain
and the river flowing up between the clouds
where i saw you drinking
like you had been born thirsty
and i thought
we are born without water
we are born without anything
to keep us alive

i had ideas once

i had ideas once
and i hoped they'd come back to me
thought i could
reel them in
on the hook of what i chose to want
and still want

i had ideas that i could
go anywhere and be anyone
that i could pay for my life with admiration
for what it means to be alive
and then suddenly
as soon as i wished it so
be rid of every earthly obligation
to anyone
or any thing

i thought of myself
purely in those moments

of me only

a subject in photographs
when they were taken
and it all seems to me now
a joke
a farce

that in the moment of being photographed

when the opportunity for remembering 

the former self is created
one has no conception of who will be 

looking back
and how everything will never be
how everything used to be
 

how terribly sad that is

when all you want to do

is live however living materializes for you

without paying for it

with your life