He started worrying about how great his life was. All around him people sobbed for their self-inflicted indignities, the ways in which they could not measure up to themselves. He woke up feeling marvelously energetic every day of his life, grateful for simple pleasures. He even took pleasure from his truck-driving job. He was responsible for driving the trucks that were emptied out back to the production facilities to be filled again. Throughout his illustrious career he had worked with a number of big players. His favorites were Kraft Foods and General Mills because their factories smelled like gasoline and that reminded him of life on the road.
One faction of society that disappointed him was psychologists because every so often he would worry about contracting a mental disorder-- something he felt they had created. Those disorders are all out there, waiting for someone to pick them up. They lurk between dirty dishes and grow spores on tarnished doorknobs. They are transmitted verbally. He found that sometimes he was disturbed by looking at homeless people, and thought this could be a symptom. On the day he decided this turmoil was an outpouring of emotional generosity, he was cured.
It was hard to avoid feeling “manic” at times and “depressed” at others because he already knew what that would mean and that it was incorrect. Dysfunction was everywhere and those who were symptomatic could be seen spending hundred of dollars a week to cry in leather armchairs while a patient person took notes. Maybe he was not enjoying life enough. He searched the internet for what that might mean. After a brief search he found out how to enjoy life while practicing death, the value of confidence measured in dollars, and that a lot of people already knew what his illness looked, smelled, and sounded like.
He was a seasoned veteran of life in transit when he decided, at long last, to settle down and marry his thoughts. The ceremony was beautiful, all guests wore nothing and did not have to attend. He presided over himself at the ceremony and was not disappointed. The future looked bright.
He checked off options on an itemized list. He filled in the circles that would indicate that he had the potential for confusion, changes in mood, occasional social discomfort, drug and/or alcohol consumption, fear of ugliness, seductive nightmares, desire to hallucinate, and moderate worrying. The online test informed him that he would die at some point. This distressed him. He did not want to be sick. He cried after spending an hour on the computer. He did not want to be a part of anything anymore. He felt like he had been parading around for his whole life and now he was finally allowed to leave the circus. In the next second he divorced himself.
He drove his empty Lucky Charms Cereal truck out onto Highway 70 and started speeding. He picked up the first stranger who would let him have sex with her and together they emptied the truck of romance. When she asked for money he told her he did not understand why she would prescribe to a definition when it is easy to set your own rules. With that, he left her on the side of the road where she had come from, telling her he hopes she can be free one day.